(no subject)

this isn't like a definitive thought at all, just - something that occurred to me
that i've changed my demeanour so much from high school
or even the first few years of college when i was still trying to be this overoptimistic cheerful kind idiot
i think i was always cynical and kind of jaded, deep down, but i don't know if all that straining and trying was somehow - a better way to be

or is honesty, even in this limited form, better?
if anything things are less unspeakable now
i see myself clearer now
but i - used to like that part of myself. the kindness, softness, generosity that i no longer find a decent capacity for.

i do like these lo fi electronica tunes but...
in some ways they seem noncommittal
usually too short, usually too little
i suppose part of the charm is in its unfinished whimsicality but sometimes i wish they were a little more fully formed
or a little less reflective of the messy nature of the mind

i got so tired of trying to be soft
but i don't like the hardness in my heart these days.
is it that i've given up on myself?

(no subject)
im such trash

and every day it matters less :)

but seriously the day it stops mattering that i consistently disappoint other people will be ... a good? day?

i'm into the androgyny of the english version lol but either way...

ok bye

what if i am not courageous, and what if i am not kind?


just needed to state somewhere that when i saw this released on yt i squeed

g r o s s
maybe adult life is just ... learning to stop kidding yourself.

im so good at inventing things.
so bad at everything else


romance in everyday media is... puke-inducing sometimes.
like the things i am meant to respond to as a cis female... ......... partly because i'm so good at internalizing all of that dumb gender stuff but im also grossed out by my reactions


i wish sometimes i hadn't learnt anything from society at all.

troye sivan has my soul
silence takes its toll always
and the act of speaking -

it's relief, is what it is, a kind of release that's not as satisfying as i imagined it would be, nor as terrifying
just difficult.

after the fact: nothing has changed, it's just that someone else knows. and i always knew that nothing would change, which was why i didn't say anything in the first place, but
maybe the meaninglessness of speech is worth something
if only the sense that i am more seen, more truthfully.

how far we've come and how much further we have to go.
what matters to you?

not even once

released 10 years ago?????
and there's two versions wow

i just want to spend the rest of my life admiring beautiful things that's it

the more time i spend trying to look at the world, to be at peace, the sadder i feel
pretty sure that's not how it's supposed to work

treadmill moments
it's real comfortable to be alone.

i'm going to be braver. a little bit more. it's been interesting, the last three-odd years, meandering around, applying myself to things that happen to fall within my lens, but never really exerting my mind or body.
you don't want to try because you don't want to fail.
or is it - that you don't want to succeed, either?

don't think i've ever been hungry for success. i'm hungry for significance. meaning. (and angst is the fast easy way to get there,)

but i will be braver. a little.


i'm so deep into haikyuu fandom it's not even funny. went from real unattainable put-together boys to fictional animated ones lololol but at least there's none of that- idk how to phrase it. lust?? or none of crushing on them.
the other day someone (who i would have a crush on if i was still having crushes) said "if i was a teenage hormonal girl i'd be into oikawa" and i was like you are so right (you are so talented and smart pls like me)... and also realized i'm not a teenage hormonal girl anymore and my tastes have changed thank fuck

not that i'm any less silly.
or childish.
but yknow my love for these characters is not so much that i wanna kiss them and more like ... they inspire love bc they work hard and they're so pure
ofc they're fictional real people aren't like this .... or you don't get many like this anyway
but it's still nice to watch them.

the last few years - it's been nice to see people have dreams. and work towards them. even as i drift around - and i always feel like i am drifting, and sometimes sinking - i like watching people swim toward their goals.

gross ass metaphor haha wtv


im such a coward tho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(no subject)

do i use you for my sadness?
do i use you for my happiness?

being in love is such a selfish thing
so unreliable
i want a - quiet, gentler kind of affection.
the kind that's harder to talk about out loud
but easy to see

in the end that's what i like, anyway, we all have different cups of tea

stop trying to be something you're not.

i wish i'd been mature enough before, before i let things slip out of my life

on a more cheerful note sims 4 toddlers are the cutest thing to graze my computer screen since chow chow puppies

(no subject)

i want to be more surprised.

you have to learn how to take joy in the little things. and i thought - i could stop struggling between being enthusiastic but lame and being above it all by just focusing on the latter, but it turns out that's not the way things go.

tired train tracks of thought.
i feel kind of lonely all the time but how is that anyone's fault but my own?

i wanted to say
i don't think i'm strong enough to not disappoint you. or myself.
everything else is just words and water colour.


watch haikyuu, guys! whoever still reads this.
it warms my cold dead heart in a very innocent way.

i wonder when was the last time i was innocent.
is that why i feel guilty all the time? funny how we use innocence instead of ignorant in some contexts
i guess. not knowing is a blessing. maybe i should just commit to that.

but no, don't make rash decisions.

i wanted to say
i just want to be free of this.


need to watch sherlock too! not as excited to, though.
i should be more excited about things.
a more passionate person.

most of all i should just accept who i am and be okay with it.
every time
i find a truth

it becomes insufficient.

(no subject)
how did anybody decide to put donald trump in office

he's become the biggest threat to free speech yet


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