make you cry

(no subject)

in love??????????????????

널 사랑하지 않아

the other day someone told me that they really liked walt whitman's song of myself. and i forget the name, and face, and place, only that i vaguely wanted to impress this person and i brought up the only line i remember from it - i am large, i contain multitudes. the only line that spoke to me, i suppose.

it comes back to me (sry if i sound like a dumb english novel lol) and now i realize it was last night and my memory is made up of emotional fragments only.

like, if i really wanted, i could sequence all of the meaningful snapshots i still have with my parents, my brother, my most beloved friends, and all of the love and awe and frustration and self-recrimination my most precious relationships have inspired in me.

i think im always going to wish i was a little more put-together
and, on the other side of the coin, i'll always wonder what it would have been like to fall more apart.

big little lies is right up my alley - hint of murder mystery, a little bit high school drama, cute kids, housewives and mothers
takes me right back to mrs dalloway and the hour

it is a very carefully crafted thing of beauty. perhaps a little too absorbed in its serene, graceful aesthetic. but like i said, right up my alley. and you need to spend some time in this sort of indulgent melancholy before you can step out of it.

"“Oh!” said Jane. She felt a rush of goose bumps. Her stomach lurched with elation as if she’d won a prize. She’d been trying to comfort herself with little lies. My God, of course she’d been disappointed that nothing was happening. She’d been so, so disappointed."

im so not okay still (mentally! my life is going v well tbh) and idk if im getting better but there is no crisis, so.
it's like one half of my consciousness is sane and attuned to normal civil modes of communication and the other half is just ... a grey murky mess and only so very few people get it - and i'm so tired to explain it.

also yesterday: my professor brought up disgrace and i said we did it in high school, and he was so surprised. "did most of your classmates understand it?"
i feel like i understood it. the despair and desperation - in hamlet, too. and it would be so arrogant of me to say only i understood it, of course not, we all have our own unique experiences with that sort of darkness, whether we brush up against it or find ourselves sucked in, or dive into it.
but i don't think i had the words despair, then - all i knew was that i got so instinctively what david lurie was grasping at, this fifty year-old aging man, in his pathetic attempts at trying to situate himself without looks or money or respect.
and it frightened me so much, this connection. with hamlet, with clarisso dalloway, with anna in the golden notebook - like i knew it was tragic and sometimes pathetic and i was so afraid of becoming them.

i should have talked about it more.
but like i said, i didn't have the words, and i don't think i wanted anyone to understand me then. still, now. i am happy to be incoherent, a litlle confusing, everyone's impressions of me a little bit different. flirty when i want to be, Good when i want to be, RelatableTM when i want to be.

im overestimating my relatableness tho i think


side note: hate the new beauty and the beast music. as a devoted disney princess fan i may not have had very feminist icons growing up but i reserve the right to criticize the remakes and uGH.


not that i make time to watch movies but im not watching this im just gonna rewatch the original if at all
watching that made me realize .... you can be an ugly guy and kinda mean as long as you are rich :) pretty smart girl's gonna come and rehabilitate you because she is so ~good and ~pure she sees your kind kind heart.
i mean.
little mermaid: it's ok to give up your entire life and something you love (singing and YOUR VOICE) to be with your one true love :) also making her survival and freedom dependent on him kissing her and returning her affections like ok.

these were my favourite movies along w mulan so........ b ye

p.s. i can't speak korean but look up the song

(no subject)
labour to see the beauty in everything.

and not the glamour.

(no subject)

im such a cliche
what was the haikyuu quote again? regret will always come later, so hold on to that feeling of satisfaction?

not that this is even the same context but im so... happy.
im really embarrassingly happy and it feels so strange?? like i feel like an idiot??? but a happy one.

and everything else can just... go away or fade out into the background.

i... don't have a plan at all for what i want
but i - im on cloud nine basically.

(no subject)

this isn't like a definitive thought at all, just - something that occurred to me
that i've changed my demeanour so much from high school
or even the first few years of college when i was still trying to be this overoptimistic cheerful kind idiot
i think i was always cynical and kind of jaded, deep down, but i don't know if all that straining and trying was somehow - a better way to be

or is honesty, even in this limited form, better?
if anything things are less unspeakable now
i see myself clearer now
but i - used to like that part of myself. the kindness, softness, generosity that i no longer find a decent capacity for.

i do like these lo fi electronica tunes but...
in some ways they seem noncommittal
usually too short, usually too little
i suppose part of the charm is in its unfinished whimsicality but sometimes i wish they were a little more fully formed
or a little less reflective of the messy nature of the mind

i got so tired of trying to be soft
but i don't like the hardness in my heart these days.
is it that i've given up on myself?

(no subject)
im such trash

and every day it matters less :)

but seriously the day it stops mattering that i consistently disappoint other people will be ... a good? day?

i'm into the androgyny of the english version lol but either way...

ok bye

what if i am not courageous, and what if i am not kind?


just needed to state somewhere that when i saw this released on yt i squeed

g r o s s
maybe adult life is just ... learning to stop kidding yourself.

im so good at inventing things.
so bad at everything else


romance in everyday media is... puke-inducing sometimes.
like the things i am meant to respond to as a cis female... ......... partly because i'm so good at internalizing all of that dumb gender stuff but im also grossed out by my reactions


i wish sometimes i hadn't learnt anything from society at all.

troye sivan has my soul
silence takes its toll always
and the act of speaking -

it's relief, is what it is, a kind of release that's not as satisfying as i imagined it would be, nor as terrifying
just difficult.

after the fact: nothing has changed, it's just that someone else knows. and i always knew that nothing would change, which was why i didn't say anything in the first place, but
maybe the meaninglessness of speech is worth something
if only the sense that i am more seen, more truthfully.

how far we've come and how much further we have to go.
what matters to you?


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