sybariteheart

I knock at the stone's front door.
"It's only me, let me come in.
I want to enter your insides,
have a look round,
breathe my fill of you."

"Go away," says the stone.
"I'm shut tight.
Even if you break me to pieces,
we'll all still be closed.
You can grind us to sand,
we still won't let you in."

I knock at the stone's front door.
"It's only me, let me come in.
I've come out of pure curiosity.
Only life can quench it.
I mean to stroll through your palace,
then go calling on a leaf, a drop of water.
I don't have much time.
My mortality should touch you."

"I'm made of stone," says the stone,
"and must therefore keep a straight face.
Go away.
I don't have the muscles to laugh."

I knock at the stone's front door.
"It's only me, let me come in.
I hear you have great empty halls inside you,
unseen, their beauty in vain,
soundless, not echoing anyone's steps.
Admit you don't know them well yourself."

"Great and empty, true enough," says the stone,
"but there isn't any room.
Beautiful, perhaps, but not to the taste
of your poor senses.
You may get to know me, but you'll never know me through.
My whole surface is turned toward you,
all my insides turned away."

I knock at the stone's front door.
"It's only me, let me come in.
I don't seek refuge for eternity.
I'm not unhappy.
I'm not homeless.
My world is worth returning to.
I'll enter and exit empty-handed.
And my proof I was there
will be only words,
which no one will believe."

"You shall not enter," says the stone.
"You lack the sense of taking part.
No other sense can make up for your missing sense of taking part.
Even sight heightened to become all-seeing
will do you no good without a sense of taking part.
You shall not enter, you have only a sense of what that sense should be,
only its seed, imagination."

I knock at the stone's front door.
"It's only me, let me come in.
I haven't got two thousand centuries,
so let me come under your roof."

"If you don't believe me," says the stone,
"just ask the leaf, it will tell you the same.
Ask a drop of water, it will say what the leaf has said.
And, finally, ask a hair from your own head.
I am bursting with laughter, yes, laughter, vast laughter,
although I don't know how to laugh."

I knock at the stone's front door.
"It's only me, let me come in."

"I don't have a door," says the stone.

- Wisława Szymborska

Words/phrases that have floated around in my mind recently, in order of appearance: confluence, dumb luck, beating a dead horse, confluence again, cling.

Acceptance. Calm. Helplessness. Futility!

Dumb luck: my entire life. Thank you for every single one of you. Thank you that I am here - I know how easily this could have gone to anybody else, I know I don't deserve everything that I get, I know, I know am a lucky lucky girl (who needs to work harder to deserve more) and everytime I think about my life (properly) I feel overwhelmed with happiness. The future looks to be full of thorns and bristles but I'm happy to have had everyone so far.

Confluence: in my tears, in your tears - it's a lot but we'll get through it! Life can be hard and hard in many ways but life is good because of some people and things that happen and we will, we can! Don't let the little things get you down. Then again everything sucks. EVERYTHING haha my life is so fantastic and I still hate it. Sometimes.

Dead horses: on a very realistic and concrete level, bssh nothing you can do about some situations huh; on a more abstract level, yup go on I don't really know when to stop, or I do but I don't know how to or I just won't.

Cling. Empty entry hahahahah.

Gabsssh k things to do. I should stop taking perverse pride in announcing how big of a slacker I am to the world nobody actually cares! 

I have too many things! And for everything I am grateful - the books, the mementoes, the letters I refuse to throw away, the clothes shoes bags - everything holds a memory, memories. And I am only eighteen - there is so much more out there I haven't known but the wealth of the world I've experienced already leaves me floundering for words to describe it. The wealth of feeling! I am so grateful for everything - and I love you all.

Thinking about the future is overwhelming - I don't know what I'm going to do, the path is no longer clear and well-trodden by thousands of people before me. In a sense it has been, I suppose, all the souls that have walked their lives out before, but everyone's story is different and I want a story to myself, so the future is just a big blank page. Adulthood! I am still a child in so many ways. Though perhaps we all are, even the older ones - all living our lives for the first time. Nobody can be expected to know how to live. 

I just hope love is present in my future - that hopefully the love that surrounds me now stays (and it will stay, no matter what, in my memories and in my heart!) and new love will form and grow! It's so easy to lose sight of my loved ones nowadays - out of sight out of mind but please remember you guys will never be out of my heart. 

I need a word for this feeling, this buoyancy (idiocy?) and happiness flowing out of me, slightly unrealistic and impractical but nonetheless very real, so charged, this sublimity! No words. It will go away - we get so caught up in reality sometimes, as we well should even though it's not always enjoyable - but every once in a while it comes back, when you're sitting up at tiantang looking at the school, when you're surrounded by lovely snow in Bhutan, or even, when you're beside people that make you happy and you realise how happy you are! Whoosh (: It's so very unempirical, this feeling, but it's lovelylovelylovely.

Big mouth and a loud voice in my brain! Mm okay nothing much to say except that I have many many new books yayyyy (:



Saw The Lover's Dictionary in Kino and was REALLY TEMPTED but I resisted who has the time anyway!!!

No more tumblr!! Aww ): hopefully this makes me wanna study more whoosh!

Silly simhwee did many silly things today! Rawr. Not that you will know anything about what I am talking about (a multitude of things, whoo!) hahaha even if you are future simhwee! Suckerrrr too bad who ask you be so cryptic now! (My sanity is falling to pieces haha)

Anyway.

1. Moving on!! Ugh I have been resolved to do this since like three months ago but BUT I will persist and I will succeed yup! Just kind of hard because I forget myself. So easily, too easily, but, no. I wish my rationality would actually be of some use every now and then seriously. 

2. Jiayou simhweeeeee got a lot of shit to do ):

3. I wish _________________________________________. Fill in the long blank! Whoot.

4. Think nicer thoughts! Eradicate negative feelings GOOOOO.

Omg read this I think it's hilarious. 

Sheesh where has my taste gone nowadays arghhhhh k bye going off to finetune my mind perhaps with some KANT. 

Hi cuties!!! <333 

I'M AT A PAYPHONE~

My song obsessions have been all POP recently rawrrr but popular music is popular for a reason! Whoosh. Tired constantly nowadays, no energy! Eating a lot and getting fat ): brrrrrrh annoyed at the world and myself.

Jesse McCartney! Listened to Just So You Know I was so obsessed with that song like, five years ago. Time really FLIES I miss my secondary school days. Everything was a lot simpler and more comforting and I wish I could run back to Nanyang and 投进她的怀里. Nanyang was such a wonderfully homey and conducive place to grow, for me anyway! So much love and care, from the teachers and from the people. 母校! (:

But yes I have resolved to live in the present!! No more looking back and reminiscing/worrying about the future because neither does much good for you. I think I am too young to reminisce anyway. What have I done with my life? Absolutely nothing (say it again now) (heee) not really! I will have plenty of time to reminisce when I am 90 and old and useless. Whoosh. What a terrifying thought - we are becoming adults!! I need to grow up, stat. 

Five years from now I will look back and think, how immature I was, how naive, how inadequate, but, for now all I can do is work towards that future and try. I don't know what I see for myself in the future but life has a way of moving you along even if you don't know what you want to do (:

Alright things to do: study for econs, read economist, study ki, is, lit h3! also, math and LIT oh gosh my horror at everything that is hamlet ergh not to mention donne and disgrace!! okay I suppose my list is a lot shorter than some people's so I should be grateful (: 

Things to learn: satisfaction, how to love myself, how to love other people, how to let go of negative feelings, confidence, to overcome escapism, to overcome the biggest hurdle which is myself without hurting myself in the process! I hope these things don't plague me forever manz what a life. I would rather be plagued by like, corrupt and cruel individuals in my life than myself. People tend to commit suicide when they have no external source to attribute their problems to! D: so sad, like, you can never be happy because if someone is not making you unhappy you tend to make yourself unhappy D: though I guess we can overcome that! Yes yes. YES. I say yes to too many things manzzzz. YES I CAN. 

Okay NIGHT.

I think there must be something mortally wrong and ugly with me ugh but then again, all the weirdos: they’re just comfortable with being weird honestly we’re all damn weird inside. Super weird embrace the weirdness! Nothing is lovely and pretty.

Yeah so oh well.

Private and public thoughts!

Today was a good day - inspiring talk and spontaneous catching up at night! (: I was very happy to be in the dialogue today - what a lovely stimulating experience! And talking with Lidan and Aidi at night haha I made a new friend! Whee. It was a little surprising and unusual to suddenly sit down and talk like that but it was also very comforting, in a way, to be able to connect to people late at night, people you don't usually see, and to make conversation! Such are the little pleasures of life, little things we can allow ourselves to enjoy.

Listened to JB's Boyfriend, it's kind of addictive in a way! Don't like the music video though. The song is rather strange "swaggy"?? I don't think lines about your piles of money waiting to be thrown at a girl is very reassuring of a guy's commitment, BUT I guess it doesn't sound too bad, in the end (:

He and Selena Gomez are super cute (:

The Game.

Cool shizz yo. I wish I was halfway as smart as any of the people in there but, tradeoffs. We cannot all be perfect! And the perfect people work pretty hard for their perfection.

Except for some who were just born that way, I suppose, but that's one out of a million billion trillion. I used to be obsessed with big numbers when I was a kid. Like, googolplex! Googol to the power of googol. Not that I really understood what it meant (not that I do now oops) but the idea of having such an expansive quantity (of anything) is so reassuring and fascinating at the same time (:

有一点累! Although I hardly did anything today. Must be my noob round of soccer and noober participation in captain's ball! ): I feel terrible whenever I play sports because I can't catch a ball for nuts heh oops and I am too lazy to improve, too! And too proud. Internal irrepressible pride that I can't push down. I must learn to be more humble. Learn to be more willing to learn. I only ever want to learn when I'm doing well haha.

Yesterday I thought about religion. I didn't do it particularly purposefully, just chanced upon some strand of thought in my head and finished it and liked the finished product, I suppose. Been doing that a lot lately - leaving strands of thoughts unresolved or knotting them up until sometimes they're too painful to think. Anyway: in the end I think all religions inspire me with how much love they bring into the world. Despite all the religious wars and conflict I really do think people with faith are happier people, however they find that happiness, and very often they spread it around! There are of course hateful and hurtful things masquerading as religion or faith, but if it doesn't help anybody I don't think it deserves that label. Religion should be something that lifts people up, and not in the lift-up-to-heaven kind of sense, more of a, achieving spiritual balance and... eudaimonia?

I can say this because I'm a free-thinker, but to me a lot of the difference between religions is quite negligible. And yesterday I realised that it isn't important, not really. Many of them advocate the same things: kindness, belief, understanding, perseverance etc etc. A lot of the difference is just in the story - who you choose to worship, where you think you'll end up after you die. And well, the afterlife is really only an issue for the afterlife right! The differences in religions don't really affect our lives now (: what a belated realisation haha but yes!! All that love. (: 

I want to understand more about the distinction between religion and philosophy. Seems like the two are rather inter-linked, especially with religions like Buddhism or even Judaism, but at the same time they hardly refer to the same thing! "My philosophy" implies a certain amount of faith, doesn't it!

Today I thought about beauty! Partly inspired by Edward's post I guess although I didn't really read through the whole thing in a detailed fashion. No satisfying conclusion, though. I am just slightly less inclined to call people pretty because I like them now, but I don't know what to replace it with. "I like your aura"? Whoop! I do believe everyone has something beautiful in them by just existing, and yes, beautiful, because life is beautiful. But perhaps I do spend too much time straining to look for that little something sometimes. These things need to reveal themselves in a flash: a quick and quiet moment, that, oh, when you see what it was you were missing, when you see someone for who they are.

Slightly frenzied again.

I wish I knew why I run away - or I do, I wish I knew how to stay. Stay there. Root myself into something and let myself grow for once instead of roving somewhere else, instead of flitting off. Create something instead of just laying down ideas and potential and never actualising anything. I would be a very good parent to imaginary kids but I don't know about real kids.

I want to see everybody smile. Smile. I love you. (:

All human! We are all the same underneath so why can't my thoughts and heart be kinder to others? (Selfishly: why can't you be kind to me too?)

Oh well! We are so young to be worrying about our existence.

♥