under one small star
My apologies to chance for calling it necessity.
My apologies to necessity if I'm mistaken, after all.
Please, don't be angry, happiness, that I take you as my due.
May my dead be patient with the way my memories fade.
My apologies to time for all the world I overlook each second.
My apologies to past loves for thinking that the latest is the first.
Forgive me, distant wars, for bringing flowers home.
Forgive me, open wounds, for pricking my finger.
I apologize for my record of minuets to those who cry from the depths.
I apologize to those who wait in railway stations for being asleep today at five a.m.
Pardon me, hounded hope, for laughing from time to time.
Pardon me, deserts, that I don't rush to you bearing a spoonful of water.
And you, falcon, unchanging year after year, always in the same cage,
your gaze always fixed on the same point in space,
forgive me, even if it turns out you were stuffed.
My apologies to the felled tree for the table's four legs.
My apologies to great questions for small answers.
Truth, please don't pay me much attention.
Dignity, please be magnanimous.
Bear with me, O mystery of existence, as I pluck the occasional thread from your train.
Soul, don't take offense that I've only got you now and then.
My apologies to everything that I can't be everywhere at once.
My apologies to everyone that I can't be each woman and each man.
I know I won't be justified as long as I live,
since I myself stand in my own way.
Don't bear me ill will, speech, that I borrow weighty words,
then labor heavily so that they may seem light.

- Wisława Szymborska

(no subject)
haven't been back here in a while!!

but eh
procrastinating as usual

things are good generally, i'm working out kind of, not eating the most healthily but we will get there, slowly saying goodbye to the usa
four years just flew right by and i am not sure what i have to show for it
except that i am more somber and reserved and more inclined to being honest

i am still a lazy person
and that laziness only hurts other people


one of the only things that makes me sometimes sad is -
i want to take the blame, but i also want to shift the blame, and in the end it doesn't really amount to anything except an interlude

maybe one talk will resolve it, maybe it will never be spoken of again.
i am not that kind of person though, and i like to think i know you well enough to say you are not either.


i don't know how
but i really want to be the best.

(no subject)
the way i treat the earth, people, and myself is
horrifying, if i really think about it.

it's so easy to live on autopilot and yet convince yourself you are not.


i wanna be soft and strong.

(no subject)
not sure why it's hard to talk about things even now

but i guess it's always difficult until it's not


more than ever i just wish i could be in the same space as you
and this is nothing new, it's funny because i only have two more months here, after all
but knowing that makes no difference.


and i wish i'd know how to do better too.

(no subject)
even here i am not fully honest.

but how many of us really are, anyway? how many of us are aware of our entire being, enough that honesty is truth?
though i guess it is not truth that is sought. just the act of sharing.


it has been a while since i've spiraled, so maybe it's overdue. if i think back - it really has been a long period of feeling okay and normal and middling but satisfied.
and i know that i will pick myself up eventually, it's just the process and repetitiveness that - is ugly. feels ugly. the more i try to push it away the harder it surges up.

and in the end i'm just afraid of change.
fear is such a debilitating thing.

make you cry

(no subject)

in love??????????????????

널 사랑하지 않아

the other day someone told me that they really liked walt whitman's song of myself. and i forget the name, and face, and place, only that i vaguely wanted to impress this person and i brought up the only line i remember from it - i am large, i contain multitudes. the only line that spoke to me, i suppose.

it comes back to me (sry if i sound like a dumb english novel lol) and now i realize it was last night and my memory is made up of emotional fragments only.

like, if i really wanted, i could sequence all of the meaningful snapshots i still have with my parents, my brother, my most beloved friends, and all of the love and awe and frustration and self-recrimination my most precious relationships have inspired in me.

i think im always going to wish i was a little more put-together
and, on the other side of the coin, i'll always wonder what it would have been like to fall more apart.

big little lies is right up my alley - hint of murder mystery, a little bit high school drama, cute kids, housewives and mothers
takes me right back to mrs dalloway and the hour

it is a very carefully crafted thing of beauty. perhaps a little too absorbed in its serene, graceful aesthetic. but like i said, right up my alley. and you need to spend some time in this sort of indulgent melancholy before you can step out of it.

"“Oh!” said Jane. She felt a rush of goose bumps. Her stomach lurched with elation as if she’d won a prize. She’d been trying to comfort herself with little lies. My God, of course she’d been disappointed that nothing was happening. She’d been so, so disappointed."

im so not okay still (mentally! my life is going v well tbh) and idk if im getting better but there is no crisis, so.
it's like one half of my consciousness is sane and attuned to normal civil modes of communication and the other half is just ... a grey murky mess and only so very few people get it - and i'm so tired to explain it.

also yesterday: my professor brought up disgrace and i said we did it in high school, and he was so surprised. "did most of your classmates understand it?"
i feel like i understood it. the despair and desperation - in hamlet, too. and it would be so arrogant of me to say only i understood it, of course not, we all have our own unique experiences with that sort of darkness, whether we brush up against it or find ourselves sucked in, or dive into it.
but i don't think i had the words despair, then - all i knew was that i got so instinctively what david lurie was grasping at, this fifty year-old aging man, in his pathetic attempts at trying to situate himself without looks or money or respect.
and it frightened me so much, this connection. with hamlet, with clarisso dalloway, with anna in the golden notebook - like i knew it was tragic and sometimes pathetic and i was so afraid of becoming them.

i should have talked about it more.
but like i said, i didn't have the words, and i don't think i wanted anyone to understand me then. still, now. i am happy to be incoherent, a litlle confusing, everyone's impressions of me a little bit different. flirty when i want to be, Good when i want to be, RelatableTM when i want to be.

im overestimating my relatableness tho i think


side note: hate the new beauty and the beast music. as a devoted disney princess fan i may not have had very feminist icons growing up but i reserve the right to criticize the remakes and uGH.


not that i make time to watch movies but im not watching this im just gonna rewatch the original if at all
watching that made me realize .... you can be an ugly guy and kinda mean as long as you are rich :) pretty smart girl's gonna come and rehabilitate you because she is so ~good and ~pure she sees your kind kind heart.
i mean.
little mermaid: it's ok to give up your entire life and something you love (singing and YOUR VOICE) to be with your one true love :) also making her survival and freedom dependent on him kissing her and returning her affections like ok.

these were my favourite movies along w mulan so........ b ye

p.s. i can't speak korean but look up the song

(no subject)
labour to see the beauty in everything.

and not the glamour.

(no subject)

im such a cliche
what was the haikyuu quote again? regret will always come later, so hold on to that feeling of satisfaction?

not that this is even the same context but im so... happy.
im really embarrassingly happy and it feels so strange?? like i feel like an idiot??? but a happy one.

and everything else can just... go away or fade out into the background.

i... don't have a plan at all for what i want
but i - im on cloud nine basically.


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